The Scorpio Full Moon on Wednesday, May 10 is really calling to me.
This year’s Venus retrograde brought up so much personal intensity for so many, especially around relationships, self-image, and sexuality.
For me personally, this retrograde period brought up some old, deep wounds that I realized I had never properly addressed. They go back to a relationship I had in my early 20s, when I was with the first partner I had truly, deeply loved.
It was a long-term relationship that should have ended after its first year. While I loved him, he didn’t return the depth of my feelings. Instead, as time went on, he kept building walls.
Where he’d once been open, he was closed. The things I didn’t know about him in our early days of dating stayed a mystery.
There were things he would purposely not invite me to, and he would let me know I couldn’t come, but wouldn’t explain why.
Worse, he picked at me. When we had first started dating, he’d told me he liked my style, my look. As time went on, his tone changed:
“I have no idea what you’re thinking when you’re wearing that.”
“Sometimes you look really old when you make certain facial expressions.”
“See what that girl over there is wearing? You would look so much better like that.”
In short: He was mean. I was in love with a cold heart.
Intimacy was another story. In the entire course of our relationship, we never spent a night sleeping side by side. We never held each other in bed. He was always rushing off, always maintaining a distance, even though I desperately wanted that connection.
When he broke it off with me, his reason was, “I’m just not attracted to you.”
I’m just not attracted to you.
I was at a pretty low point in the months that followed. Not because of the breakup itself – when it happened, I knew it was long overdue – but because of where it left me emotionally.
I had let this person strip of me of so much self-esteem. I felt ugly. I felt I had nothing to offer to anyone else. I was questioning my worth, my identity, and my sexuality on every level.
When I started to date again, I thought, “I just want someone who will be nice to me. That’s it.”
Which is important, of course. But that criteria hasn’t changed in years and years.
Which also means that I’ve been basing all of subsequent relationships off of this one.
I hadn’t done the work to stay in touch with my own needs and desires over time, especially as I grew and changed in so many ways.
I also hadn’t addressed the damage of the intimacy I’d had with this person, or lack thereof. He had a way about him that was disconnected, dispassionate, and selfish. He would use guilt, criticism, and manipulation during our most private moments. He told me he’d “never had issues with his other girlfriends.”
Which made me think there was something wrong with me.
Later, in other relationships, I kept my guard up sexually. I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid doing something wrong. I was afraid of the vulnerability it required, when I hadn’t been before.
During Venus retrograde this year, I realized how much of these attitudes I still carried around, and how active they are in my current relationship.
“Oh my,” I thought recently, as all of this dawned on me. “I have work to do.”
Especially since I’m still using a relationship that started when I was 20 as a baseline for my relationships as a woman in her mid-30s.
“Oh what we could be if we stopped carrying the remains of who we were.”
― Tyler Knott Gregson
How many of us are doing this? How many of us are letting the past continue to haunt who are today?
Maybe you’ve had similar experiences to mine. Maybe you’ve had completely different ones.
But either way, this year’s astrological influences might have stirred something up in you that relates to your concept of love, worth, and sexuality.
With Venus in Aries again, we have a chance to channel new strength in the places where we still carry wounds. We can learn to honour our softer selves and uphold our needs rather than compromise them.
And with the Scorpio Full Moon coming up so soon after Venus stationed direct, there is a powerful opportunity now to do the work that surfaced in late winter and early spring.
Scorpio connects to power, sexuality, secrets, and our shadows. With the illumination of a Full Moon, Scorpio pushes us to look at what we’ve kept hiding under the surface for too long.
It asks, “Are you ready now to let this go?” Scorpio helps us to embrace death and rebirth, and under the potency of a Full Moon – which is an ideal time to release and let go – the opportunity for change and healing is huge.
This is a potent Full Moon for anyone who is looking to come to terms with broken hearts, broken relationships, sexual healing, trauma, and limiting beliefs around personal power.
There is so much potential to shift some of this energy.
It all reminds me of tarot’s Eight of Swords, which typically depicts a woman who is bound and trapped. The question is always, “How did she get there, and how can she now free herself?” Because that is always what is on the other side of this card: Freedom from restriction, constraint, repression, inhibition.
So if you are feeling called to work with the Scorpio Full Moon like I am, I invite you to use to this ritual to help you heal whatever is hurting at this time.
The Moon reaches fullness at 5:42pm EST on Wednesday, May 10.
When to do your work:
Full moons can help us to release and let go – to bring something full circle. So work with the Moon after it reaches the point of fullness, rather than before. This is when the Moon will be starting to wane, which is ideal for release work.
1. One white candle, for healing
2. One black candle, for protection and letting go
3. An object or image that you feel represent, or connects to, whatever you are letting go of. If you don’t have anything like this, go out and choose something that can act as a symbol for your ritual. You will be releasing this back into the earth, so don’t use anything that you aren’t willing to part with.
4. A bowl of water, to connect to Scorpio’s element
When you are ready:
Go into your ritual with a clear idea of what you are ready to heal. It might help to think about it a few days ahead.
You can also perform your ritual at home, or in another private space. Set up your two candles on either side of the bowl of water.
Light the black candle first. Stare into the flame, and imagine that its heat is burning away at what you are letting go of tonight. Tell the flame your story. Let it listen.
When you are ready, state the following intention, or write it down:
I (name), set the intention to welcome healing into my life. During this Full Moon in Scorpio, I release the following: (list or state what you are letting go of.)
Once your release is stated, drop your object into the bowl of water. Let it sit here overnight. Imagine that the water is dissolving any power that is still connected to the memories this object holds.
Now, light your white candle. Imagine this flame bringing new, fresh energy into the places where your wounds have been. Imagine this light entering your body and filling you with the healing you need.
When you’re ready, state the following:
I (name), allow myself to heal. I accept change. I accept myself. During this Full Moon in Scorpio, I am ready to feel: (list or state what you want to experience and feel moving forward.)
When you are done, allow the candles to burn all the way down, if it is safe to do so. (If it isn’t, continue to burn them throughout the following days as you can. Never leave candles unattended.)
As soon as you’re able to, take your object to a body of water, such as a lake or river, and bury it nearby. Make sure you’ve done this before the New Moon in Gemini on May 25, 2017.
Remember that you can adapt the wording in the intentions I’ve included in a way that suits you.
May the healing begin.
Until next time,